A few months ago i met this guy briefly in SF bc he was family friends with a family i know. I remember meeting him but never got his name. I now work with him in LA and since he thought i was new to LA wothout friends wanted to hang out with me.

I guess I have a type I usually go for but John doesnt really fit it. Ive decided i really wanna experience dating different guys-something ive never really done. I went from slutting it up and sleeping with guys to getting into a meaningful relationship. I think part of the reason why my relationship failed was because i didnt really have a transition period and didnt really know how to handle things.

In any case, so it begins. Im going to be an actual dater amd go on legitimate dates and get to know guys BEFORE sleeping with them and not committing to anyone unless i am ready.

Yay, this is going to be exciting, light hearted and fun.

Focus. Focus. Focus.

I told him I was leaving and we didn’t fight for each other.

I think of all the annoying times a guy wouldn’t leave me alone, trying to convince me to give them a shot. Of all the times I was crying and saying I didn’t want to leave him, he never said “then don’t.”

He let me go and as soon as I was gone I was nothing to him. I think that’s what hurts the most. But then again, i didn’t try either. Defense mechanisms?

Ugh it always hurts in the end so from now on I’m just going to go head into things I feel like going head into. No hesitations, just impulse, commitment and NOT trying to avoid the pain. It’ll come when it comes and then there’s alwayd getting over it after the fact… Not in the anticipation of it.

No more trying to soften the inevitable blow… It’s always gunna blow. Might as well fully enjoy the ride.

Throughout our relationship I was too afraid to get attached and wasn’t fully embraced or appreciative of our relationship. He was talking long term and I brushed it off. I left and we were broken up. I came back for the weekend and found out he hooked up with someone else. What did I expect? Maybe it’s better that it was a clear cut, hurtful and distant break. I left to work on me and now I need to work on me, focus on getting my shit together and do me. How can you really be with someone without loving or being comfortable with yourself? Right person, wrong time? Things will come together when the time’s right? Live and learn?

I’m here. I have things I need to work on. I need to get my shit together and not let distract me too much.

ideally

I am not a homebody and won’t be for a few years. I like being out and meeting new people and having fun. I can’t just be content sitting at home, I really crave new experiences and am nowhere near settling. Not that anyone is forcing me to or that I feel that pressure, but it’s definitely something I am not set on… for now.

I had a good boyfriend a month ago. Although I was sad to leave him and miss him so much… I can’t help but be discontented at how much we stayed at home or how he wasn’t into going out to shows or even free events like I am. It was almost like I was dragging him out. I knew he did things because I wanted to but I don’t want to feel like I’m forcing my boyfriend to come out and play. Maybe it’d be nice to have a boyfriend that never went out so that I could just do whatever I wanted, but then again, I wish he could be my partner in crime.

When a friend I met up  in the Bay told me about how her and her boyfriend have lived in several different states together, moving when one of them gets itchy, I couldn’t help but think “I want that.”

I dunno, sometimes I feel like I want someone more free spirited although I know I need someone more responsible than me.

I’m just thinking about different guys and what my ideal is.

A friend of mine recently got dumped because her boyfriend wanted to be young and experience things and straight up said that to her face. He said “If this were three years from now, it’d be a different story.”

Part of me thinks that BS but part of me agrees. At least they know and want to take advantage of being single instead of leading someone on or hindering that pressure and then having it come out in cheating.

I feel like most of my friends my age in more serious relationships are girls with older guys. Or kids. I don’t know, it just seems like I don’t even wanna try dating anyone under 26 because they are so tightly strung to the fear of missing out.

I mean, I guess I was the one that broke it off to be young and single but I can’t help but wonder how long we would have lasted until he got sick of me. Or vice versa. Or maybe I already was. I don’t know.

I want to subscribe to the notion that it just wasn’t good timing with us and that maybe somewhere down the line we’ll be together… but the fact that he was the one that fucked up on me makes me think that he’s the one that has to put in the effort. Or time.

Or why does it matter. If it wasn’t it, it wasn’t it… right? Even though I believe in second chances, I wonder how many perfect relationships there have ever been. Has there ever been a time or relationship where no one has ever honestly NOT cheated. And I mean honestly, because someone seems to always cheat. Or have cheated on someone, at some point in time.

Ugh, I don’t know… I don’t want to jinx anything, so I’m not going to say anything out loud or maybe it’s my own insecurities that can’t let me detach myself but, there was such a level a comfort that I feel is gunna be hard to find elsewhere. Comfort and vulnerability. Maybe real love is standing on the cliff of vulnerability and never being pushed off, but waiting for it. Because what happens when you’re pushed off? Either you climb back up the cliff or find a new one? I don’t know what I’m saying anymore but to change the subject.

I started at my new office today. It’s more professional and at a nicer location than the other office. That makes me like it better already.

Fuck fuck fuck. I’m going to give myself another month to fuck around and chill but then I’m hitting the workforce and building my career hard.

Part of me wants to be that put together person so I can be ready to commit to my ex someday. Or someone. But whether it happens or not, I can’t help but have some sort of moti

somewhere down the road

I am not a homebody and won’t be for a few years. I like being out and meeting new people and having fun. I can’t just be content sitting at home, I really crave new experiences and am nowhere near settling. Not that anyone is forcing me to or that I feel that pressure, but it’s definitely something I am not set on… for now.

I had a good boyfriend a month ago. Although I was sad to leave him and miss him so much… I can’t help but be discontented at how much we stayed at home or how he wasn’t into going out to shows or even free events like I am. It was almost like I was dragging him out. I knew he did things because I wanted to but I don’t want to feel like I’m forcing my boyfriend to come out and play. Maybe it’d be nice to have a boyfriend that never went out so that I could just do whatever I wanted, but then again, I wish he could be my partner in crime.

When a friend I met up  in the Bay told me about how her and her boyfriend have lived in several different states together, moving when one of them gets itchy, I couldn’t help but think “I want that.”

I dunno, sometimes I feel like I want someone more free spirited although I know I need someone more responsible than me.

I’m just thinking about different guys and what my ideal is.

A friend of mine recently got dumped because her boyfriend wanted to be young and experience things and straight up said that to her face. He said “If this were three years from now, it’d be a different story.”

Part of me thinks that BS but part of me agrees. At least they know and want to take advantage of being single instead of leading someone on or hindering that pressure and then having it come out in cheating.

I feel like most of my friends my age in more serious relationships are girls with older guys. Or kids. I don’t know, it just seems like I don’t even wanna try dating anyone under 26 because they are so tightly strung to the fear of missing out.

I mean, I guess I was the one that broke it off to be young and single but I can’t help but wonder how long we would have lasted until he got sick of me. Or vice versa. Or maybe I already was. I don’t know.

I want to subscribe to the notion that it just wasn’t good timing with us and that maybe somewhere down the line we’ll be together… but the fact that he was the one that fucked up on me makes me think that he’s the one that has to put in the effort. Or time.

Or why does it matter. If it wasn’t it, it wasn’t it… right? Even though I believe in second chances, I wonder how many perfect relationships there have ever been. Has there ever been a time or relationship where no one has ever honestly NOT cheated. And I mean honestly, because someone seems to always cheat. Or have cheated on someone, at some point in time.

Ugh, I don’t know… I don’t want to jinx anything, so I’m not going to say anything out loud or maybe it’s my own insecurities that can’t let me detach myself but, there was such a level a comfort that I feel is gunna be hard to find elsewhere. Comfort and vulnerability. Maybe real love is standing on the cliff of vulnerability and never being pushed off, but waiting for it. Because what happens when you’re pushed off? Either you climb back up the cliff or find a new one? I don’t know what I’m saying anymore but to change the subject.

I started at my new office today. It’s more professional and at a nicer location than the other office. That makes me like it better already.

Fuck fuck fuck. I’m going to give myself another month to fuck around and chill but then I’m hitting the workforce and building my career hard.

Part of me wants to be that put together person so I can be ready to commit to my ex someday. Or someone. But whether it happens or not, I can’t help but have some sort of motivation.

I want to get everything out of my system so that when the time is set, we’ll be together again. I want to be ready. A part of me has some doubt. Do I want these things because it’s what I know? Was I doubtful because I wasn’t sure or because I was afraid or because I was too lazy to make it work? Am I wanting this because it’s unrequited love that I called quits on? Did we not have the big blowout heartbreaks are made of?

I don’t feel like it came full circle, I wasn’t able to fall out of love. It was an abrupt screech in the roller coaster ride instead of panning out with conclusion.

Fuck, why can’t I just accept my decision and move on?

“I need to constantly remind myself that all actions have reactions-with the possibility of both positive and negative ramifications. It needs to be embedded in my psyche that things almost always never turn out my way and that trust in the universe must be exercised. I must think things through, possibly with pro/con lists, rationally and not totally on impulse, or emotion because you can’t turn back time or expect people to react in ways that are always in your favor.”

no words

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

It’s been a week since we last spoke and you told me to call you when I was ready. It constantly crosses my mind that I could pick up the phone and call you, or write up an email or shoot you a text or write on your wall or hollah a tweet. All this technology makes it much easier to break and it’s taken me every ounce of dignity to ignore you.

I get it, I left you to work on me. I had a good life and just got overwhelmed and had to go back home. I get that you were hurt and I possibly could have done the same thing in retaliation or could only imagine how upset I would have been had the tables been turned.

But I can’t be a doormat.

I miss you so much I want to cry and scream and punch the wall til my knuckles bleed until I can’t feel them anymore. I want to call you and tell you I miss you and hear your voice and have you tell me you love me. I want nothing more than to hear your familiar voice plea “I love you.”

My mind can’t stop missing you and my tears continue to well up but I just can’t be that girl with such low self esteem that I easily dismiss your hurtful actions.

I want to believe that love saves the world and one day we’ll both have our shit together and we could be happy again. But I don’t. I don’t subscribe to that fairy tale bullshit or that just because you “love” someone, that gives them the pass to treat you like shit and get away with it.

On a technicality, you weren’t wrong. If anything I could imagine that it hurt you more that I abandoned you. I get it. But you couldn’t man up and fess it up. You didn’t tell me the truth. You let me shower you with love as you faked a smile.

The thing about me is that if I love you, money is no object and affection is no shortage but hurt me and you get nothing. Not a call. Not a text. NOT. A. THING.

Part of me wants to swallow my pride but I want you to learn your lesson. I want to wonder, to miss me, to think about what you’d say to me the next time we see each other and how you will make it up to me. I want you to cry yourself to sleep at night knowing you fucked up and to wish you could take back your moments of stupidity. I want you to obsess for months over the seconds you “weren’t thinking.” I want you to call me and convince me I should forgive you.

Alas, boys have too much pride and all of the above will play out except the latter.

It is only after you’ve stewed in your misery that I want to speak to you again.

UGH. I want to be over you. I want us to be together. I want… I want this to not suck anymore.

Fuck you. I will not easily forgive and forget. I will not be that pushover or sponge or spineless girl that allows guys to make mistakes and think it’s okay. I will not fuck with your bank account or bad mouth you or give you reasons to hate me. I will be the bigger person that gets their closure that forgave you on the spot to make you feel even worse about what you did.

I am going to let you stew in your regret until our paths cross again and maybe we can be friends. Eventually, I will be satisfied with your remorse and will be able to look past your mistake knowing your overall soul is beautiful. No, I don’t believe you’re a horrible person and just that you’re an idiot guy that made a mistake. 

I believe in second chances and that people learn and grow through trials and tribulations. I really do believe in forgiveness and second chances and that time heals all. I believe that love can surpass hardships and never truly falters.

But I also think you need to learn your lesson first so that you never ever fuck me over again.

Sincerely,
Bitter Ex Girlfriend